He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
