Yo dont text me then not text me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
