It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
