I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
