At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
