I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am one with the molecules
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
