I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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