I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
