I must be too annoying 4 u.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My vagina is officially offended.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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