my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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