Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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