just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
