I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
