I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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