Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
