Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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