i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
