forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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