I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
