I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
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Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future