You made me cry and you don't even care
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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