I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
