So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
