R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
