Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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