"it" just moved
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
