He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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