I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
