Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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