i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
