yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
