so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
