I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
