i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
