you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
