i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
