Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
