So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
