She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho