Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way