Just cropdusted the office
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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