Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
