Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
