Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
