just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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