I feel like I'm in dance class right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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