I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
