She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i think i just lost a toe
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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