i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
