i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
