yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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