I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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