just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
