I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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