I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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