She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You've changed since you got that strap on
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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