i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
