I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
