I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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