My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
