There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
