The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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